Okay, this story has to stay between us. Okay?
The suburban home of my Uncle Joe and his wife, Connie was brimming with relatives for the holiday.
The enclosed dining room was cramped and packed with testosterone: fathers, brothers, uncles, and cousins (of all ages and shapes), plus three of the handsome hunks that married into the family. There were more folding chairs at the table than chairs that actually came with the dinning room set. However, every year we somehow manage to fit all the guys in.
Most of the men were a bit tipsy after washing down their huge plates of turkey and sides with lots of adult beverages. Many of the fellows had already nonchalantly unfastened their belts, as well as the top button of their pants, to relieve their bloating bellies and to make room for Aunt Connie's scrumptious homemade pies.
As for the women and children, they all ate their meal in the more spacious living room while watching the annual dog show on television. It has been an archaic tradition for the men to eat separately since I was a kid. Mainly for the lack of space in Uncle Joe's house and because the guys mostly talked about sports. --- Boy, was I ever so excited the year I turned 16 and finally old enough to join the "men's table".
Of course, when the ladies are out of earshot the conversation of the grown hombres in my family usually starts to resemble that of horny junior high adolescent boys in a locker room.
I'd recently read an online article entitled: Why Do I Have The Same Body Odor As My Dad? and was left with lots of questions. (Simply click on the yellow link to read the essay.) Questions that I knew the assembled group of male relatives could only answer. And so, I took an extra swig of courage and figured it was time to speak up or wait until next year's get-together.
"Hey guys! Hey guys! May I have your attention please?" I requested. "Since this is a once-a-year opportunity to talk without the ladies present, I was wondering if I could ask you all some personal questions."
"Sure Enrique, ask away," replied Uncle Joe as he took another drink.
"Yeah Kee-que, don't be shy," my burly cousin Joe Junior insisted.
And so, I summoned the audacity to begin my inquisition, "Well, as you know, I'm gay, but what you may not know is that I'm also a HUGE lover of armpits. And I was wondering, is it in the genes? Do you guys lust for pits as well? Or am I not only the Pink Sheep in the family, but also the Kinky Sheep as well?
They all chuckled thinking I was trying to be silly. My dad gave me a disapproving look, (which I've learned to ignore) and I continued, "Seriously fellas, I was also curious to know:
Do you find yourself staring at guy's armpits in public?
If a man is wearing a crop top or tank top are you determined to stare at the dude until he raises his arm a bit for a better peek at his hairy hollows?
When you go to the gym, do you all find yourself staring at other men's pits while they workout?
Do you guys secretly surf the web for hours on end hunting for hot pit pics? Of course, the pit photos can be of ladies, if that's your thing.
Straight women can appreciate the good looks of other women, so do straight guys find men's armpits attractive? Do you think they're sexier if they're smooth or hairy?
As for me, I like them all. Although smooth can be sexy,...
... dark, hairy pits are my favorite!
Why, even a little bit of pit fuzz can make me go crazy!
Anyway, do you admire other dude's pits? Do you sometimes have pit envy?
And how do you men feel about your own armpits? Do you consider them a sexy part of your bodies?
Who among you has ever snapped a pit selfie in the mirror?
Am I the only guy here who enjoys smelling his own sweaty underarms?
Oh, and do your wives or girlfriends find your pits sexy?
As for the three in-laws present, ever notice that during our family vacations the three of you spend most of your time hanging out together with your shirts off? --- I sure notice! --- And you guys seem to like to celebrate a lot with your arms up in the air! Are your pits overheated or are you three simply showing off to the rest of us?
Here's another question I have for everyone: how many of you all trim your pit hair?
Any of you shave it all away?
Or are you like me and simply let your pit fur grow wild?
Also, what kind of deodorant do each of you use? Do we seem to prefer the same brand?
I'm pretty sure the brothers in our family have similar stinks.
But what about the rest of us blood relatives? Do we share the same musky pit scent?
Do our pits taste similar to one another's due to our shared DNA?
(Wow, I couldn't believe my nerve asking all these inappropriate questions! It must have been the booze.)
Uncle Joe's glossy eyes gave a naughty twinkle. He smiled and slurred his reply, "Well, it wouldn't hurt to compare our pitters."
"I ain't ashamed of my body," Joe Junior fearlessly responded. "You all wanna compare?"
My uncle directed one of his younger sons to stand guard at the door leading to the living room.
Then, to my complete surprise Uncle Joe, Joe Junior and a some of the more fit men in the group began unbuttoning their dress shirts. Even the three hunky in-laws!!! Eventually my conservative dad and brothers sheepishly joined in.
What!!!??? What!!!??? It was all so crazy, mind-blowing unbelievable! I was actually going to get an eyeful of generations of manly, macho pits, all related to me! And because of the warm temperature in the crowded, confined dining room I no doubt was about to get a musky noseful as well! --- I figured the kinky gene must be prevalent in ALL the men in my family! There was not just one Kinky Sheep, but a whole frickin' flock!!!
Suddenly, my Aunt Connie yelled from the living room, "Hey you guys!!! Would you boys like to join us gals in the living room to watch the game on TV!? Better hurry, it's starting in a few minutes!
Shirts got buttoned back up rather quickly.
"NO, NOT JUST YET!" her husband Joe yelled back. He then whispered to the assembled gents, "Well, at least not until our excitement dies down."
We all giggled like guilty, naughty boys who almost got caught.
Joe Junior added, "Good thing we're all sitting and have the table to hide our enthusiasm."
All the men laughed uproariously!
As for me, I sat there unable to believe I was allowed to discuss armpits at the "men's table" and the spectacle I almost got to witness!
Suddenly, I startled myself awake! I realized the tryptophan in all the turkey I ate must have made me doze off and start having another weird pit dream, as I sat on the floor, trying to watch the game on TV with the whole family. --- Sigh!
(Pictures collected for the collages, as well as the pit pics and other photos use for this blog entry were all found online.)
Hey armpit lovers, I'd love for us to keep in touch! So, I invite you to my main 3 online platforms:
Follow my Armpit Lover blog, here on Blogger @Confessions Of An Armpit Lover . --- Click the follow button on this page to keep up with the latest postings.
Enjoy more armpit entertainment on my Pinterest page @pinterest,com/enriquehenry100 .
You can also connect with me on Twitter @enriquehenry100 .
NOTE: Simply click on the yellow links to get you to the sites.
