Greetings, fellow armpit lovers! Like most Americans these days, I've been thinking quite a bit about finances. As my mind tends to do, my thoughts quickly turn to musings about men's armpits.
So, I decided to compile an "armpit wish list" for myself to keep handy, just in case I someday come into a large amount of money.
Surprisingly, my list began to have hints of illicit dealings, or at the very least, questionable business practices. But hey, I was having fun!
By the way, I tried very hard to NOT list stuff that would technically involve me cheating on my sweetie. --- I had to be very creative. 🤔
So now, without further ado, here is,...
MY ARMPIT LOVER'S WISH LIST
(IF I WERE RICH AND IT WAS LEGAL)
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If I were rich AND it was legal...
I'd open a high-end, worldwide franchise of male on male, armpit massage parlors for men! --- You know, for health purposes. 😉
Each parlor would be staffed by handsome, skilled masseurs, trained in the fine art of sensual massage for the male underarm. --- Tickling is extra.
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If I were rich AND it was legal...
I would generously pay my next door neighbor's, twentysomething year old hottie son, Josh, to give me his work t-shirt as soon as he gets home from his physically taxing, construction job. I want each tee wet and stinky, straight off the dude's body! --- Now, what I choose to do with it is nobody's business, but my own. 👿
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If I were rich AND it was legal...
I would contact Brad, the highly skilled, shampoo technician who sometimes washes my hair at the overpriced, high-end hair salon at the mall. --- Wow, the way he massages my scalp is incredible!
Naturally, I'd offer to pay him to come to my home, shuck his top, and give my armpits a good scrubbing while I lie still in the bathtub! 💦
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If I were rich AND it was legal...
I'd use my vast fortune to buy a controlling stake of Axe Body Spray. Then, I'd instruct the company's best perfumers to develop scents that smell like the underarms of sexy, male celebrities!
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If I were rich AND it was legal...
I'd offer singer/songwriter Nick Jonas a deal to be the spokesmodel for a sexy new line of sleeveless t-shirts and tanks, by ENRIQUE HENRY INC.!
Naturally, there would be a firm "no shaving or trimming your pit hair" clause in the contract. --- "The better to sell the shirts, my dear Nick!"
Also, in the contract? ENRIQUE HENRY INC. (translation: me) gets to keeps every single shirt Nick Jonas wears in the ad photo shoots.
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If I were rich AND it was legal...
I'd pay the SHOWTIME network to release the "Extended Kink Cut" of its popular 2023, gay mini-series FELLOW TRAVELERS, starring Matt Bomer and Jonathan Bailey.
Hmmm, I wonder how many takes that sizzling scene took to film!? 👅
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And, speaking of streaming...
If I were rich AND it was legal...
I'd pay NETFLIX an exorbitant amount of cash to branch out and start an offshoot streaming network called PITFLIX, featuring movies and TV shows with significant armpit scenes.
Prominent films like DRY WIND and the aforementioned FELLOW TRAVELERS, as well as every episode of SURVIVOR, and more, would be available with a click of the remote! --- Uncensored, naughty movies are available for an extra $7.99 a month. 🤫👿
Each show will have a tongue rating of 1 (👅) to 5 (👅👅👅👅👅) depending on the program's pits and appeal to our people.
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| SURVIVOR hunk, Ethan Zohn |
However, PITFLIX will most definitely need to have an onscreen cautionary disclaimer whenever the viewer logs in: "Warning, watching PITFLIX may lead to you excessively calling out from work, loosing contact with your friends and family, plus cause severe dryness to your eyeballs. --- But hey, it's worth it!"
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If I were rich AND it was legal...
I'd also buy lots of shares of OUT magazine. Then, I'd hire a fabulous, fashion photographer, to take several shirtless photographs of my ex-boyfriend, Ben, for the publication. He can be told that OUT is doing a feature on sexy, successful, gay business men from Texas, over 30!
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| Actor Jeremy Pope on the cover of OUT |
--- In his twenties, Ben was an aspiring model. He's so narcissistic, he'd pose shirtless for anyone with a camera in a heartbeat. In his defense, if you've got it, flaunt it!
You may be asking, "Enrique, why do you want pit pics of your former pit lover? Well you see, I'm curious. I haven't seen Ben or his musky underarms in decades. Sadly, he's not a social media kind of guy.
I often wonder what his armpits they look like and how they taste these days. After our breakup, he kept all the private, kinky polaroids we took of each other, including many shirtless shots.
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The next items on my list involve adult entertainer, standup comic, and armpit god, Drew Valentino. 😍
So, if I were rich AND it was legal...
I'd pay whatever Drew would ask to see someone make passionate pit-love to his awesome armpits, LIVE, up close and in person. Heck, I want to be right there on the bed next to the action! I want my sense of sight, smell, and hearing to be overloaded!
--- Sorry, senses of taste and touch, but I have to try to stay faithful to my hubby.
In addition, if I were rich AND it was legal...
I'd pay top price to see Drew himself worship another guy's underarms! Again, I want a front row seat to the expert licker's techniques!
And my final Drew Valentino request, if I were rich AND it was legal...
I'd pay Drew Valentino to put on his sexy, eye glasses and stand perfectly still, with his arm lifted, to let me stand with my nose two inches away from his overexerted, sweaty furry hollows. Two inches, for three minutes of pure paradise!
Sure, I'd love to get closer,... but again, I'm trying to be a good spouse.
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Well, Pit Pals, there you have it, my current "armpit wish list" for when I get super rich. I guess I should also add hiring savvy lawyers to my list, because I'm sure I'll need some legal advice to successfully accomplish my questionable goals. But hey, if they can help make just one of these wild wishes come true, I'll be one happy (albeit horny) armpit lover! 😁
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[NOTE: Most of the pictures and clipart used for this blog entry were found online, including the photos of model/actor Levi Michaels, who is a dead-ringer for my ex, Ben.
However, a portion of the photos (including those of "Josh", and the bearded fella meant to represent me) were downloaded from my paid subscription to Adobe Stock, a royalty-free, stock image provider.]
Lastly, I'd love for us to keep in touch.
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| "Hmmm, what were tonight's winning numbers? Did I win? Come on, Pappa needs more pits in his life!" |
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NOTE: Just click on the yellow link.
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